It's mid-November and its already snowing and in the negative temperatures. Luckily, that means snuggly warm blankets, cozy candles and some early Christmas movies with the kids. I and so thankful for these healthy wonderful babies of mine, from the 6 year old up to the 23 year old :)
And let's not forget a little Christmas shopping with Mom!
Crazy how fast time goes. Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Gram is gone. Since she died there has been 3 others die from lcog. It's just strange and a reminder that everyone has a time, and so will we. Depressing....
But otherwise we are doing ok. Schooling, working, going to church and trying to have a little fun in between :) I think we've finally got reliable help with work so I can cut back some. I'm not good with too much busy-ness. It frazzles me. So I'm looking forward to more peaceful days, I hope!
Its been two months since I've written here. Two months since Gram took her last breath a little after 9pm. She was surrounded by the entire family and died very quietly.....
The funeral was beautiful. It was everything she would've wanted. The white casket with pink accents, the video, the music, the flowers, the people. I felt a peace those first few days, knowing she was at rest.
But things have been different since then. I have many doubts about the things I've believed all my life. Is supernatural healing real for our times? I don't know anymore. The longer she's gone, the more these thoughts grow in my mind. I cry through church, but not for reasons I used to. Now it's because I feel bad for doubting so many things. I never thought this would be me. My prayer today is that I can very quickly get my mind back to a good place - a Godly place. I miss her.
It's interesting to see what people do when hospice says that only HOURS are left with your loved one. You've spent your whole life with this person and now they say you have a few hours left? At this moment there are people praying, quietly crying, humming, doing the dishes, and crocheting....coping mechanisms. We've never done this before. We don't know the "correct" way to act.
And then there's me - sitting in a chair with a blanket, my thoughts and my blog....cuz that's what I do. And still praying because it's not over just yet. God could blow through here in an instant and sit her up on that death bed. We know that! He's our only hope! But ultimately, that's His choice...and it's one we might never understand in this life.
There are scriptures playing, a fan blowing and an oxygen machine running, yet my surroundings seem very quiet and unreal. How did we get here? Lord God, HOW?
Here I lay, next to my sweet Gramma Cadle sick with cancer. Waiting and praying for the miracle that needs to come soon. It's my shift with her and it's harder than I expected. Every noise she makes during the night, wakes me with a jolt...
Being here in this house, seeing the pictures in the wall of my HEALTHY gramma....It's emotional. It takes me back to a time when we never ever thought that this would be in our future. A time where I was young and naive and thought we were ALL invincible! Oh to go back and appreciate what we had back then. The things I took for granted :(
But this is where we are, like it or not..... so we keep praying.
So apparently my breath stinks today. Trying to love on this boy and he tells me my breath stinks. I said, thanks a lot butt wiper.... and he said "well take away the wiper and that's what your breath smells like".
Thanks kid....LOL
I hate it when I'm tired,
When I'm not patient enough.
When I feel like I didn't do enough
Or didn't say the right thing.
I hate when I try to say I'm sorry and it always turns to tears.
I hate that even happy things make me cry.
I hate when I feel like I've hurt the people I love most.
I hate it when I come home on Friday nights and my kids have already gone to sleep.
I hate that people think I have it all together but I feel like a mess inside.
I hate that I worry too much.
I hate when I guilt myself about EVERYTHING I do, or don't do.
Lucky for me, I serve a God who is perfect and mighty and powerful.
He heals my heart and in my darkest times, He brings my thoughts back to joy.
He delivers me from self destruction and comforts my soul.
He even forgives me when I struggle with forgiving myself.
And for THAT, I am forever thankful!
We had a beautiful Easter day. Spent the morning at church and the afternoon at Gramma's house with all of the family. Thank you Lord for your sacrifice!
No church for us today. Mama isn't feeling well at all. Although, in reference to my last post, there's nothing like a good stomach virus to kick start a diet LOL
Here's a few pics from this week :)
Brandon played his guitar a lil bit with John at the church one night. That was his first time playing like that in front of others. Made my heart proud!!
This extra 15 pounds is annoying!! So tonight me n Haylee did the Just Dance game workout. Phew!! Hoping to keep it up and update my progress on here. The free pizza from Schwans is winning the weight war ;)
Saturday we went on our first big outreach at church, as a family. We helped hand out over 400 packs of toilet paper in the neighborhood around our church. My fear of praying with people almost made me back out but since it was mikes idea to go, I knew I'd better do it anyways. Always looking to get him more involved! The kids were awesome helpers and I got to spend the day with some great people! It felt great to be a blessing and to pray with people, but I was also very blessed myself by some of them, and by seeing my kids jump in to help. Isaac didn't want to go that morning but afterward he smiled and said, "I feel good Mom!".... and that makes it all worth it :)
Then we got to see God's Not Dead at the theater. Beautiful movie! I hope it impacts many unbelievers!!
I hate confrontation, I hate when people are mad at me, and I admit I'm not always quick to forgive. I REALLY hate when things are awkward at church. Lord lead us in the things we do and say right now. Don't allow my hurt and anger to control my actions, no matter what is said. I pray the same for Haylee. We're just trying to stand in peace, as we wait for the storm to end.....
Tonight we watched Grace Unplugged, about a young girl who left home to follow her dreams. I shed a few tears because somehow I know this will be our Haylee. She's sweet but also has such a free spirit. She wants to see and do things that would've scared me to death. Our pastor says he sees her going away, on missions and helping children who are broken. I know its true deep down, because I see it in her....but its still gonna be hard for this Mamas heart. For now, she's still our little girl, playing with the cat on the dining room floor :)
