Two months....

Its been two months since I've written here. Two months since Gram took her last breath a little after 9pm. She was surrounded by the entire family and died very quietly.....
The funeral was beautiful. It was everything she would've wanted. The white casket with pink accents, the video, the music, the flowers, the people. I felt a peace those first few days, knowing she was at rest.
But things have been different since then. I have many doubts about the things I've believed all my life. Is supernatural healing real for our times? I don't know anymore. The longer she's gone, the more these thoughts grow in my mind. I cry through church, but not for reasons I used to. Now it's because I feel bad for doubting so many things. I never thought this would be me. My prayer today is that I can very quickly get my mind back to a good place - a Godly place. I miss her.

Hours!?

It's interesting to see what people do when hospice says that only HOURS are left with your loved one. You've spent your whole life with this person and now they say you have a few hours left? At this moment there are people praying, quietly crying, humming, doing the dishes, and crocheting....coping mechanisms. We've never done this before. We don't know the "correct" way to act.

And then there's me - sitting in a chair with a blanket, my thoughts and my blog....cuz that's what I do. And still praying because it's not over just yet. God could blow through here in an instant and sit her up on that death bed. We know that! He's our only hope! But ultimately, that's His choice...and it's one we might never understand in this life.

There are scriptures playing, a fan blowing and an oxygen machine running, yet my surroundings seem very quiet and unreal. How did we get here? Lord God, HOW?

Gramma

Here I lay, next to my sweet Gramma Cadle sick with cancer. Waiting and praying for the miracle that needs to come soon. It's my shift with her and it's harder than I expected. Every noise she makes during the night, wakes me with a jolt...

Being here in this house, seeing the pictures in the wall of my HEALTHY gramma....It's emotional. It takes me back to a time when we never ever thought that this would be in our future. A time where I was young and naive and thought we were ALL invincible! Oh to go back and appreciate what we had back then. The things I took for granted :(

But this is where we are, like it or not..... so we keep praying.

Isaac funnies

So apparently my breath stinks today. Trying to love on this boy and he tells me my breath stinks. I said, thanks a lot butt wiper.... and he said "well take away the wiper and that's what your breath smells like".

Thanks kid....LOL

Feeling Moody

I hate it when I'm tired,
When I'm not patient enough.
When I feel like I didn't do enough
Or didn't say the right thing.
I hate when I try to say I'm sorry and it always turns to tears.
I hate that even happy things make me cry.
I hate when I feel like I've hurt the people I love most.
I hate it when I come home on Friday nights and my kids have already gone to sleep.
I hate that people think I have it all together but I feel like a mess inside.
I hate that I worry too much.
I hate when I guilt myself about EVERYTHING I do, or don't do.
Lucky for me,  I serve a God who is perfect and mighty and powerful.
He heals my heart and in my darkest times, He brings my thoughts back to joy.
He delivers me from self destruction and comforts my soul.
He even forgives me when I struggle with forgiving myself.
And for THAT, I am forever thankful!

Easter 2014

We had a beautiful Easter day. Spent the morning at church and the afternoon at Gramma's house with all of the family. Thank you Lord for your sacrifice!