It's mid-November and its already snowing and in the negative temperatures. Luckily, that means snuggly warm blankets, cozy candles and some early Christmas movies with the kids. I and so thankful for these healthy wonderful babies of mine, from the 6 year old up to the 23 year old :)
And let's not forget a little Christmas shopping with Mom!
Crazy how fast time goes. Still trying to wrap my head around the fact that Gram is gone. Since she died there has been 3 others die from lcog. It's just strange and a reminder that everyone has a time, and so will we. Depressing....
But otherwise we are doing ok. Schooling, working, going to church and trying to have a little fun in between :) I think we've finally got reliable help with work so I can cut back some. I'm not good with too much busy-ness. It frazzles me. So I'm looking forward to more peaceful days, I hope!
Its been two months since I've written here. Two months since Gram took her last breath a little after 9pm. She was surrounded by the entire family and died very quietly.....
The funeral was beautiful. It was everything she would've wanted. The white casket with pink accents, the video, the music, the flowers, the people. I felt a peace those first few days, knowing she was at rest.
But things have been different since then. I have many doubts about the things I've believed all my life. Is supernatural healing real for our times? I don't know anymore. The longer she's gone, the more these thoughts grow in my mind. I cry through church, but not for reasons I used to. Now it's because I feel bad for doubting so many things. I never thought this would be me. My prayer today is that I can very quickly get my mind back to a good place - a Godly place. I miss her.
It's interesting to see what people do when hospice says that only HOURS are left with your loved one. You've spent your whole life with this person and now they say you have a few hours left? At this moment there are people praying, quietly crying, humming, doing the dishes, and crocheting....coping mechanisms. We've never done this before. We don't know the "correct" way to act.
And then there's me - sitting in a chair with a blanket, my thoughts and my blog....cuz that's what I do. And still praying because it's not over just yet. God could blow through here in an instant and sit her up on that death bed. We know that! He's our only hope! But ultimately, that's His choice...and it's one we might never understand in this life.
There are scriptures playing, a fan blowing and an oxygen machine running, yet my surroundings seem very quiet and unreal. How did we get here? Lord God, HOW?
Here I lay, next to my sweet Gramma Cadle sick with cancer. Waiting and praying for the miracle that needs to come soon. It's my shift with her and it's harder than I expected. Every noise she makes during the night, wakes me with a jolt...
Being here in this house, seeing the pictures in the wall of my HEALTHY gramma....It's emotional. It takes me back to a time when we never ever thought that this would be in our future. A time where I was young and naive and thought we were ALL invincible! Oh to go back and appreciate what we had back then. The things I took for granted :(
But this is where we are, like it or not..... so we keep praying.
So apparently my breath stinks today. Trying to love on this boy and he tells me my breath stinks. I said, thanks a lot butt wiper.... and he said "well take away the wiper and that's what your breath smells like".
Thanks kid....LOL
